Randomnocity

Life Together...

2008-10-24T12:34:00.000-07:00

I have an overflowing desire to live life with people that love Jesus and love righteousness. I want to design life in such a way that we can actually live together. Not necessarily under the same roof, or on the same plot of land, but live in tight enough proximity to actually function together. I can see it vaguely, there is no specific shape, just brilliant colors of life swirling healthily together.

Open Letter to Myself...

2008-09-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

Repent of lust, repent of the idols you've resurrected; fun, happiness, comfort, acceptance. Repent and be free, repent and be healthy, repent and be forgiven.
Do not allow yourself to lose sight of the goal, there is a war that we must acknowledge and fight, there is an enemy which you must love and call to repentance in humility.
Wake up, listen, stop leaning on your own understanding, search the Word of the Lord, pray, fast, love, be bold, encourage, build up, usher conviction, trust in the Lord, ask for faith and wisdom...

Tonights Prayer

2008-08-05T15:52:00.000-07:00

Lord God I want to know you. I believe that you have created and sustained all things. I believe that your Son is the perfect sacrificial savior that you have chosen for us. I believe that you are a good, loving, righteous, just, jealous, merciful, gracious father. I do not fully understand, but believe in the Holy Trinity. I believe that you sent your Holy Spirit to abide in us, to live with us, as our counselor, guide, teacher, and comforter. I believe in you. I fear you. I desire to have wisdom, faith, and ultimate freedom.
My sin is great. I ask for forgiveness and I repent from the sins that I have known and continue to give birth to. Give me strength to be obedient and to love you more than my flesh. Reveal yourself to me. Give me a passion for righteousness. Live with me, in me, speak to me, burden me for your Kingdom. Make clear the paths that best honor you for me and my family. Allow your Holy Spirit to truly be my counselor, guide, teacher, and comforter. I love you. Thank you for your kept promises and those to come. Find favor in you fickle, fallen servants. Teach us how to live as redeemed children of the one true God.

Please Squeeze my Hand

2008-07-16T19:48:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've been excited about friendships. That sentence doesn't read as serious as it felt to type, but it's huge.
My love in life is friendship. So much so that I seriously considered moving from beautiful Fort Lauderdale to soggy, freezing Des Moines. Crazy! But I love Jeremy.
I love friendships that walk hand in hand long enough to allow the other to squeeze as hard as necessary for love to prevail. True friendship is vulnerable enough to invite the intimacy we all long for.
I've had some amazing friends. Thank you Lord! Many of them are scattered across America. Living in South Florida in a globally minded world has molested my love of friendship. Rootless life has crushed me monthly. Lying in the absence of so many oaks offers no horizon. But God is good, and God is faithful, and the sun rises once again.
I remember thinking in middle school that I wouldn't end up having so few friends as my father. Before Hurricane Andrew he had more friends than I could keep up with. Six months later they we're scattered along the east coast of Florida. My parents did what was best for us kids. My dad's closest friend, on the map, was a half an hour away. They get together annually.
I realize that life is fluid, and that the flow often takes us where we hadn't anticipated, but we are stronger than the stream by design. I wrote this simple song back in January of 06 called Let's Go Pick a City. You can archive it on this blog if you'd like. The only comment I got was an advert for penny stocks, but I liked it.
I constantly struggle with balancing insatiable longings for perfection and reality. Therefore I'm often frustrated and disappointed. But Teresa is helping me through this, her friendship is the most valuable aspect of our marriage for me.
I want to live well. I want to live with purpose. I want to affect positive transformation. I want to live in the same neighborhood as the people I love and share life. And I want hope to be more contagious than depression, reality, or hate. Please squeeze my hand!

My Wife....

2008-06-03T06:05:00.000-07:00

is amazing. I woke up and felt like posting that on the private, public cork board of the world. Thank you Teresa for loving me so selflessly, encouraging me constantly, and taking care of me so completely. I'm in love with you!

An Absolute Must Watch!!!

2008-02-27T12:31:00.000-08:00

http://www.storyofstuff.com

Life

2008-01-24T15:30:00.000-08:00

I'm glad that someone was wise enough to create a calendar, particularly the restart every 365 days. Last year too much of my mental energy was spent on not being content. Constantly reevaluating everything in the hopes of growing one step closer to arriving. Perfection is the goal no doubt, but self oriented striving has a way of leading us down strange side roads. I haven't yet found the balance between being satisfied and longing. To be content in the mess of the now, while enjoying the pursuit of perfection. Too often the mess frustrates and the pursuit demoralizes.
My mind has that natural tendency to focus on the worst and the best, glossing over rest. My blogging probably paints a dark background with exploding splotches randomly appearing. The reality is that life is good, really good. Teresa is amazing, our marriage is everything that I could ever desire. Our health is fine, our jobs are great. We have some really good friends, and some great people that we're journeying with. I'm happy, and having fun.
It's a new year, and regardless of what the media says, there is a lot to be excited about.

Shrinking Cubicles

2007-11-30T06:16:00.000-08:00

Tonight this cubicle smells like a stately office of mahogany,
But the truth is I've been away from home to long and it's tranquility is haunting me.

Intertwined into the facade of comfort weaves turmoil
In the absence of contentment lust suffocates the soil.
Little fruit is found springing from perverse ground,
Where theory and reality are disconnected amazing grace is simply sound.

Neutered religious men wage personal battles ,
While war goes unnoticed and people are treated as cattle.
I blame the herding mentality for much of this calamity,
But the ignored story is that we're all to blame for the destruction of the great city.

While luxury and entertainment enable the deceiver to succeed,
Evil is more powerful than our consuming lives concede.
But in the midst of disillusionment and emasculation,
The Great King and Master raises His army in every nation.
Persevering through man's boxes and disassociation,
The few ignite passion and stir the chosen.

Wealth is rotting and success is misunderstood,
Sports, pensions, happiness, and fornication, straw, hay, stubble, and wood.

Illusions of safety are gladly bartered for slavery,
Comfort is praised and acceptance is seen as bravery.
But the spirit is busy spurring those with eyes to see,
All those with ears to hear, listen, the time is near.

The silhouette of fluorescent light highlights this shrinking cubicle,
We've created a world so sanitary humanity has become mythical.
And with no identifiable struggle uniting the masses,
We're all eating, drinking, and sleeping as our destiny passes.
But thankfully the Creator and Sustainer keep His covenants,
And the Great King and Master is coming to restore the innocence.

Wealth is rotting and success is misunderstood,
Sports, pensions, happiness, and fornication, straw, hay, stubble, and wood.
The Spirit is busy spurring those with eyes to see,
All those with ears to hear, listen, the time is near.

Multiple Voices in a One Track Mind

2007-09-17T21:42:00.000-07:00

Multiple voices in a one track mind
Hundreds of stories laced, all entwined

Declared honesty ensnared in desperation
Ill intentions concealed to obtain donations

Perverse logic lends the hand to perpetuate
Endless craving for a chemical reaction seals fate

Societies tourniquet wrapped too tightly
Perceptions confirm the condemnation nightly

This vicious cycle seemingly standard
From suburbs to sleepless streets everyone is slandered

So concerned with specks scratching another’s iris
Conveniently ignoring our own fatal virus

Crack, aids, anorexia, and adultery
Laziness, lust, jealousy, idolatry

Greed, strife, arrogance, fury
Loneliness, fear, impurity, misery

All deigned specifically to devour
Darkness consuming.castrating our power

But hope is alive and redemption is an option
Cry out for life, seek permanent satisfaction

Clarifications...

2007-08-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

I've had some great critiques and encouragement around this blog. The whole blogging thing is still a bit of an anomaly to me. I forget that I'm not journaling in a leather bound book that sits on an unnecessary table next to my bed. Yes folks, this is the world wide web!
I hope that nothing that I've written has been discouraging or confusing. I pray that the content previously posted has encouraged and provoked thought.
A few posts ago I wrote about "Paul and his boys." The slang reference to the apostles probably wasn't wise, but it wasn't meant to be irreverent. I also wanted to clarify that my questioning around the validity of Paul and the apostles work wasn't based on the truth they taught or the Gospel, but rather the methodology and systems they used to carry out the truth.
I'm constantly working through thoughts that I don't understand. Then I post them here for the world to see. I will be more careful with my randomnocity. Thank you for caring about me, thank you for sharing my life, even if it's only through the most publicly private portal this side of the paparazzi.

Love's Story

2007-08-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

You've got to read this....

http://www.twloha.com/the_story.php

Buy the shirt if you cry.

Paul and his boys...

2007-08-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

I have no desire to diminish the work of Paul and his boys, but what if what they did was never intended to be the end all be all? What if they did the best they could, being lead by the Holy Spirit, but never meant for their work and ministry to be systematically organized and categorized. What if the work of the Apostles was specific for a place and time? What if we've limited the gospel by trying so hard to reproduce thousands of years of men's best and worst attempts to create church? What if we've missed the forest for the shrubs?

Fear and Freedom

2007-08-12T08:16:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday morning 11:15, don't worry I'm not skipping church, the church that we've been journeying with meets at night. For some Sunday night church is a crazy thought. For me church is becoming a crazy thought. I grew up going to church, I've never hated church, it has always been part of my life. I didn't always believe, but I've almost always gone. I thank God for my parents and there desire to be with the church. But I can't help but wonder, is church really best? It's good. God uses it amidst it's short comings. But is that reason to continue. Should we desire more? Absolute Purity? To compromise nothing? To follow Christ alone? To be lead by the Holy Spirit alone? Am I just the crazy over thinker guy?
My greatest fear is waking up one sunny morning to the sound of my wife and kids in the next room to realize that I've lived a fruitless, comfortable, mediocre, good life. That amidst some good stuff I've sacrificed greatness for ease.
Some may say it's youths vigor speaking, or idealistic hopes that life will quickly dash. Others might say that I have authority issues. Few will say follow the desires that your guide, the Holy Spirit, is counseling you with. Seek Christ and all He commanded you. Live well, love above all else, and never compromise. Those few are the people I love. The people I respect most. Not because they're telling me what I want to hear, or because they're affirming my desires. Both of which are nice, but because I recognize the Christ like care and trust in the Father in their encouragement.
A great friend and follower of Christ recently dropped this thought on the welcome mat of my mind. It simply expresses a thought that I haven't been able to verbalize.

The Gospel doesn't need a context built for it.
The Gospel came into a broken context and restored it.

My fear is that we've built a context for the Gospel to work best. As if the gospel needed a context, or we could make it work. By the man made context we have limited the work of the gospel. We have oppressed people to systems and programs. We haven't pointed people to the freedom and abundance of life that is the restoration of the gospel alone. We've attached requirements and duties.
I don't think that I can submit my family to such enslavement. We have been called to fear God alone, in order to be free from everything else that desires to bound us. The enemy seeks to devour us, and he will use the church to do so.

World View

2007-07-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

Fabricated, Initiated, officiated, and now we’re hated
Nobody ever said it was easy to run the world
I’ve a feeling that purity’s been lost in the dealing
And now we’re hated, now we’re hated as the whole thing unfurls

And you, sit around and wonder
Is there something more
Is there something more than this

And the few that held onto their idealistic ridiculous world view
Have shaped the little bit of beauty that I can see, that I can see
I’m so afraid that it’s slipping away from me
That I’m paralyzed, and I, sit around and wonder
Is there something more
Is there something more than this

And your children yet to be born, they long,
Is there something more
Is there something more than this

hmmmm...

2007-05-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

Supremacy and self oriented idolatry
Racism and fear
Limitations and death

Is Community all that?

2007-04-26T12:52:00.002-07:00

I believe in the need for real community, for life lived together. I have desired true community for some time, but now more than ever I see the absolute necessity for it. But as Teresa is so correct in reminding me, it will only be as powerful as those involved allow it to be. We must open our lives to one another, even when it’s uncomfortable and especially when it’s inconvenient. I’m not suggesting that we get naked with everyone, but with someone.

As I write this I realize that it’s all well and good, but what we really need is for the Holy Spirit to come powerfully. I need the Holy Spirit to work in and through me. We need Jesus Christ to be our Savior and the Lord God Almighty to be our sustenance. We need to be born again, and once born again to be constantly transformed by the renewing of our minds. We need to be wholly dependent on the Spirit. We have to find our satisfaction in Christ and Christ alone. We must have life abundantly sourced in the gospel. Otherwise we have no chance at true community.

Hunger...

2007-01-30T19:59:00.000-08:00

I'm hungry, but I'm drinking tea
it's not for a lack of money
so please don't pity me
it's simply a lack of responsibility

This hunger unfortunately
doesn't come and go simply
with a two thousand calorie a day necessity

It's rooted itself more deeply
than any itake measured daily

There's a hunger that demands attention
It threatens gradual, quiet, painless disipation
While constantly wielding the potential of decapitation
Either way it will be fed of you'll never truley know satisfaction
And nothing is more sad than a life smothered by fear not worthy of mention

Thank You Devon for the inspiration...

2007-01-30T19:46:00.000-08:00

Elaborate...OK, Tonight was one of those rare nights that happen far to few times in any mediocre life. A night of relaxation, inspiration, and connection. Beautiful! I hope you're all doing excellently well, and loving life. Talk to you soon,
Teddy

The Model, August 2005

2007-01-23T13:54:00.000-08:00

This is a post from August 05. I thought it was worth bringing back to the forefront of my mind. Recently I haven't been writing much. I know that it's due partially to a lack of discipline, but it's also largely due to a lack of passion. We all find inspiration and passion naturally through different mediums. Mine is dominantly realized in the fruit of undefiled love and obedience to Jesus Christ. The purity and beauty I speak of in this archived blog hasn't been fully lived over the past year and a half. For that I am sorry, not just for writing's sake, but for life's.

August 21, 2005-
The model my heart desires is not a model. And I'm alright with that. My dream is not to begin a superior model that can be reproduced easily and rapidly. The realization is simply to live, to walk in the PURE GIFTING,CALLING, AND COMMISSION of my life. To be and make disciples of Christ, to baptize, and to teach all the commandments of Christ. The way that takes shape for me is entirely different than the way it will likely take shape for you, and that's not only OK, but great, as long as IT IS taking shape in both of us.

To be tied to no form, model, man's standard of success, or societal norm. To be completely obedient through love and wisdom from the power that is within me as a king and priest of the Holy Lord God Almighty. To truly love my neighbor as my Father has commanded me to. The scary, unpredictability of such pure discipleship is real, but the resolve to be disobedient and never seek it causes irreversible atrophy. I can not live whole heartedly, passionately, or successfully with out seeking the direction of such commitment and service. My life should be considered a miserable failure apart from the pursuit of such a life.

No model can satisfy all of the unique needs and desires of real life. I do not reject models, I do not disdain models, and I will not speak badly of models. But I will never subject my life to the restriction of any model. I am a spiritual man raised from the depths of my natural depravity by a loving God who demands fear. That we may understand freedom from the bondage of everything that the sin we've chosen has caused. I serve the perfect author, creator, and sustainer of this world. I have been given all things that pertain to life and godliness through the knowledge of God who called us by glory and virtue. Amen.

Jeremy's thought for last week...

2006-12-23T12:09:00.000-08:00

Revelation 21:8
But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.

One of my best friends and favorite people in my whole world, Jeremy Cox, left me last year. I hate that he had to go, but I'm dealing with it. Anyway, he has awesome thought's and insight into thing's everyonce in a while. I miss that, but fortunatly I can still get little tastes of it once in a while via telephone. The key word in this thought being cowardly. See above. Chew on that for a bit. Thank you JC for your thoughts and even more precious than all of those...your friendship. I love you.

Waste, efficiency, and Productivity

2006-12-23T12:00:00.000-08:00

Almost every shift at the fire station there is a certain conversation held. It's referred to as the "solving the world's problems" conversation. I personally love to sit back and toss little interjections into the inferno when it begins to die down. Then when the flame is just barely visible I pose the money question..."So what's the solution?" It's rare that there is an answer to this all important question, usually it's misused as a segway by one of the more disgruntled participants.

Regardless of the outcome, or lack there of, it always speeds the spin of my pondering wheel. Today we hit, or should I say ran over some of the big speed humps. War, health, welfare, efficiency, lifestyle, and productivity. The latter is a question that Teresa and I discussed months ago, and continues to present itself. What is productive? Obviously there are millions of hidden and seen factors that go into each persons reasoning that shape the answer, but at the end of the day, when your head hits the pillow, what's productive? What is productivity? Was your day productive? Think larger than yourself for five minutes and be honest. Was today productive on a tangible level? If so, why? If not, why not?

Many would probably listen to my daily answers to the tuff questions and attempt to comfort me by saying that I'm to hard on myself. They say things like it's normal to feel that way, or you're doing the best you can, or even better, trust me you're doing more than most. The problem with the nice B.S. is that it only perpetuates the problem. Leaving me dissatisfied, as well as everyone else. Not to mention that it mocks and undermines my Lord and His call for His followers. Most of my days aren't productive. Most of my days are wasted on selfish desires. Laziness, apathy, selfishness, cowardess, and disobedience rule too much of Teddy Cook. My King and Savior demands, deserves, and desires more. And I know that giving Him more brings me more on the short end and in the long run. So why don't I live differently? I have no excuse.
I'm sorry to all of you who I've not loved and cared for properly, and please hold me accountable in the future. The Lord is my God and I desire to give Him everything. No compromise.

Everything

2006-12-21T13:03:00.000-08:00

Lately my life has been a lot like any local coffee house. Listening to a lot of Damien Rice, running on limited supply, and never finding any kind of stable rhythm. This afternoon I had absolutely nothing that I had to do. So I did exactly that. But in hours I will have more on my plate than the porcelain can physically hold. I'm running on an irregularly irregular schedule.

There have been more discombobulated thoughts in my mind than usual lately. I've constantly been a little tired. Always ready for a good nap, without good reason. I've been just slightly numb, as if I'm standing in front of the giant freezer unable to decide which ice cream to purchase. And direction continues to elude me, always one turn out.

It's not the holiday's, or stress, or continual over committing. It's deeper than any of that. Lifehouse has a song, "Everything" that explains it better than I ever could. If you've not heard it, listen. If you have go back again, close your eyes, quiet everything and listen.

I"ve stood here, walking through life, knowing my savior, my joy, my strength, my peace, my source, and not been moved by Him. There is great shame that flows through this realization, but it is also the beginning of renewal.

You're all I want!
You're all I need.
You're everything!
Everything!
Would you tell me, how could it be any better than this?
You're all I want!
You're all I need.
You're everything!
Everything!

CRY

2006-12-21T10:40:00.000-08:00

It's a fun time of the year. There's more going on than any of us can possibly participate in. Yet there is extreme loneliness, loss, and pain entwined in everything. I don't desire to be focused on brokenness, but sobriety is a sacred attribute.

A generation is believing in anything, while a nation is failing to see power in anything.
Seeming success carries complacency, while comfort kindly ushers apathy.
And selfishness fuels every decision that anyone's making.
It's a torn world that we're living in, but we can package it neatly, watch me.
I just need a good nights sleep, some coffee, a better job, McDonalds, some alcohol, good sex, and some more sleep.
When will we cry for those who live rather than for those who die?
When will we care for those who are dead more than for those that are alive?
We sit neatly in rows, politely and quiet.
We elevate a man to entertain our ears.
We sit on our hands because it's safer than reaching them out to people we don't understand.
Cry for the church, cry for the souls, cry for redemption, cry for reconciliation!

Oh...That's how that works, OK

2006-12-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

It's not that you have a soul.
It's that you are a soul, you have a body.
-C.S. Lewis (I think)

God is Faithful!

2006-12-05T12:51:00.000-08:00

I recently purchased internet service for our home for the first time. I originally thought that this would do wonders for my writing and blogging, I haven't written in two months. But this has little to nothing to do with the internet accesibility, which has been quite nice. I've not been inspired. Nothing has gone too wrong, I just have not been who I've wanted to be. Two nights ago The Lord, through a friend, called me to stop striving and doubting. Today He led me to this, one favorite passages.

James 1:2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

God is good. God is longsuffering. God is lovely. God is Faithful!
I love you Lord, I will serve you all of my existence, gladly!

shhhhh......

2006-09-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

hey everybody! ;)

ive snuck on to Teddys blog to make a few changes....

ive added kailee to the list! ;)

ive added our pictures on flickr and....

i made one minor change to 'my wifey' in the right sidebar ;)

bye!!

(I love you babe, muah muah muah!!)

Gentrification

2006-09-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

I can’t find any tears to illustrate what I see behind the black gate
I stand behind mine, white, looking across the street
Watching the older stiff man adjust his pants face down at his feet
She in raspy smokers voice unashamedly says come back soon
As he gets in his brand new caddy and speeds off to his lunch meeting at noon

Teal paint with rotting wood trim doesn’t exactly scream luxury efficiency
But before long urban renewal will relocate these weekly tenants sufficiently
The neighborhoods more than glad to watch them leave
Not really caring where they go as long as their not across the street
Well, as long as they’re not in the same school zone, cause God forbid our children have to meet

And what really scares me, is that I can’t find any tears to illustrate what I see behind the black gate
Cause my property value is going up when the prostitutes and drug dealers are pushed out
And my future children will be surrounded by other privileged inner city children
Which unfortunately statistically means they’ll receive a better education than the other kids pushed around by gentrification

What’s gentrification? It’s not a vacation, it’s more like the weight of a self centered nation leaning on you, pushing you from somewhere that you don’t want to be to a place that makes your current reality seem almost happy

But that’s just the system, that’s just the way it works right
Twenty years ago if you had money you moved out of the city, I think they called it the great white flight
But suburbia’s busted, boredom dulls comfort and safety’s a facade
So while property’s hot, the whitey’s want back there original lot
And yeah it’s a shame that you’re gonna have to move, but at least you don’t have much to take with you
Don’t worry we can build equally shitty government housing west of 95
So you can carry out your pathetically sad, bitter lives
Oh, if you have any questions, please speak with your counsel person
I’m sure their satisfied with their district, not seeking a more prestigious position
After all we’re only talking about a little gentrification

Slam Poem

2006-09-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

Please hang with me,
I feel a deeply ingrained need to bleed openly
If I truly believe that tomorrow is not guaranteed
Why do I live my life as if I’m part of an elite immortal breed
Evidence abounds found easily that we’ve grown from the same seed
On which Adam and Eve were told not to feed
Yet with depravity ingrained permanently into all of humanity
Our lives scream look at me I am deity

And I know you’re probably wishing I’d do apiece more entertaining
But as Lauryn Hill said so beautifully,
“Fantasy is what people want, but reality is what we need.”
So I refuse to concede to the lusts of your flesh
Force feeding nutrition and reconciliation powerfully
I’m not concerned with whether or not you like me, this is not about me

Against popular belief truth speaks, complete tolerance is complete insanity
Not to mix truth with heresy, but to say openly that loving our neighbors as our self bring’s pure tolerance naturally
Many of us, like myself, have a screwed up view of Christianity thanks to the church
We’ve allowed man in his pursuit of domination and divinity to debase freedom since the curse
And what’s worse many would rather be manipulated
Finding in the end that it’s themselves that they’ve hated
And the rest reject truth completely with knee jerk intensity never knowing what to believe

But I believe there is opportunity for restoration no matter the nation
I can see freedom being lived powerfully
Peace that surpasses understanding withstanding trials of fury
Joy residing permanently within me
Hopefully lovingly wooing you not for my sake but ultimately for Christ’s glory

So thank you, for allowing me to bleed openly
I pray that you here more than mere poetry
And that words like wind pierce your skin
Enlightening truth and understanding leading you to the cross of the Everlasting
That words like wind pierce your skin enlightening truth and understanding leading you to the cross of the Everlasting

Me & Myself

2006-09-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

The storm enveloped me quickly tonight
Transforming my house stripping all available light
What was once comfortable and safe now feels cold and tight

I’m shut in alone with a stranger
At ease, but tense even in the absence of physical danger
My only escape is sleep, but I really shouldn’t ignore my visitor

It seems he’s been hanging around me a lot lately
Running in to each other in random places, it’s creepy
It’s always the most inopportune time, I’m not mean, it’s just that I’m busy

But now we’re here, just the two of us, no excuse
The and the power is off, there’s no refuse
The candle light intimacy unavoidably ushers us to mental abuse

Look, I don’t know why you’re here, but I didn’t invite you
You just show up like you live here, I don’t even know you
You can’t just pierce through skin expecting me to bleed openly in front of you

Even faster than the storm rolled in
I’m reminded why I always ignore this supposed friend
He’s constantly challenging, personal space doesn’t exist with him

Come to think of it, I don’t even know his real name
I just know that when he leaves I miss him, but I wish he wouldn’t have came
Cause I know that when it’s just me and myself alone, I have no one to blame

Fears and Offenses

2006-09-15T19:16:00.000-07:00

I'm one of those rare over confident thinkers that loves to dialogue, often before filtering intense content. I'm not easily offended, and I have few fears. I probably have a bit of a lack of innate respect for authority, but once respect is given it runs deep. I say this because I've been learning a lot lately due to new friendships and some of the speed humps encountered in light of these not so endearing qualities. I know that the weight of substance can't overload the strength of the bridge of friendship developed, otherwise the bridge will crumble and the friendship will resemble rubble. But recently I've been learning this the difficult way.
There is so much more than I can write to be said for knowing someone's heart, and trusting their decision making. It makes me truly miss those few rare relationships where these preliminary necessities are long past and life is happening in real time. Tonight I miss you. Once again I desire to run to those that get it and desire it. I admit I am weak, and long for brotherhood that is close in proximity as well as heart. I know that I should lean wholly on Christ, but I'm still growing everyday, rejecting self dependence slowly, seeking my Savior.
I have only a few fears, one is that those desiring to lead "The Church," are not much different than those that drove my ancestors to this continent, and two that we're are to weak, disillusioned, and comfortable to care or make any positive difference. And offending me is a difficult task, but tonight I realize that any leader that rules through control, manipulation, or fear offends me.

Sunday Morning

2006-09-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

Sleeping in just long enough to be rushed
Dressing in your best, covering all that’s flushed
Sunny morning s of peace and little traffic
Familiar friends, laughter, it’s all fantastic

The children are happy and secure
The seating’s consistent and reassured
Quality music all simple and memorized
A few prayers here and there
Speaking and teaching, helpful while educating

Critical conversation on the way home
A large lunch to settle in to the afternoon drone
A light dinner and a sweet treat
A weeks worth of thoughts and a deep sleep

But while reality is monotonous and slightly superficial
Dreams rage and passions burn all that’s trivial
Only to awake to wade through another week to get to the weekend
Cause comfort has predetermined that manipulation be destined
And the powers that be would like nothing more than to see
That you’re doing well, and tithing, while you’re healthy and happy

After all it was this religion or tradition that raised you
If it weren’t for the morals surely you’d be skewed or screwed or just plain rude
You know you owe a lot to this custom so keep bringing your children
Be a good person and if you don’t mind cut down on the questions

Life Everlasting

2006-09-14T07:04:00.000-07:00

Conception begins, sin attached
Creation conceived, received hatched
Born dark, stark arrival
Entrance climactic, traumatic survival
Pushing screaming, gasping ordained
Fluorescent light, bright pain

Youth’s innocence, ignorance bliss
Immaturity accepted, anticipated selfishness
Fathers faults, results inheritance
Child infected, neglected happenstance
Seeking satisfaction, actions amiss
Fleshly desires, retire righteousness

Insatiable longing, spurring searching
Realization follows, hollow hurting
Alone scared, unprepared examining
Mortal understanding, flawing everything
Need for, savior understood
Belief assessed, confessed withstood

Life everlasting, beginning immediately
Death overcome, succumbs completely
Born again, Satan defeated
Though sin, destined repeated
Permanent justification, sanctification begun
Life everlasting, coming son

I Hate Flossing.

2006-09-14T06:54:00.001-07:00

The title isn't all that accurate, but it caught your eye. As I skipped flossing and went straight to brushing tonight I realized that there are three things in my life that I know are beneficial, but simply don't do, flossing, reading, and lifting weights. Don't hear me incorrectly, I do them all occasionally, but certainly not as much as I should. The funniest aspect of these three areas of my life, that are so often neglected, is that I really enjoy the outcome of all three. I love to smile, and not think twice about it, I enjoy learning, and I love to be active and physical. So why don't I work through the bit of nuisance to get to that unexplainable feeling of completion and temporary satisfaction? It's either because I don't truly believe that the process is worth the benefit, I have no real discipline, or I'm content and hoping that seeming success will continue with little to no effort. I'm afraid that these three areas are small reflections of my "walk." Not that flossing, reading, and/or lifting weights are directly related to my spiritual life. But they are. Aren't they? I really hope that it's not that I have no real discipline. That would be sad. But then again do I want to shift the blame to the other two explanations? At this point I'm really not sure, and justifying my disobedience only perpetuates the very issue.

All this to simply confess that I thought about flossing, I knew I should, I even knew that I would be glad that I did after I did, but didn't tonight. So, good night.

I Hate Flossing.

2006-09-14T06:54:00.000-07:00

Helpless?

2006-08-24T17:30:00.000-07:00

I've recently moved into one of the coolest neighborhoods in the world. But as I'm getting settled I'm realizing there is a lot of pain in my new hood. Downtown Fort Lauderdale has been going through some heavy change over the last 12 years. If the word gentrification doesn't mean anything to you, your probably not being affected by it, or you've been affected by it and know all to well what it does,but your overworked, underpaid teacher never quite got to that lesson. There is a distinct division between the middle to upper class white people, and the black people in my "community." Right now I'm simply stating the obvious issue, and admitting that I have no clue as to where to begin to seek reconciliation and health, other than through Christ one relationship at a time. I'm not helpless, but at times I feel it. One thing I do know is that I won't receive any advice or thoughts from any of the people that understand gentrification, but can't spell it, via my blog. I'd be delightfully shocked if any of my hurting neighbors even knew about blogging. This private/public world of blogs is an interesting one isn't it.

To the "Church"

2006-08-13T14:13:00.000-07:00

We have to encourage each other to seek who we are in Christ. We can't create an atmosphere out of comfort and control that chokes our brothers and sisters. We must develop discipleship. We have to know each other well enough to care. Well enough to love, encourage, admonish, challenge, and see Christ in our relationships. Well enought to know and learn what our roles are in this real, functioning body.

Recent e-mail

2006-08-07T14:59:00.000-07:00

Over half of my friends are seriously struggling in their marriages. My heart is heavy, but I'm blessed to be able to journey and mourn with them, looking forward to the joy of health and reconciliation. I'd like to ask you to pray for our families, but the reason I wanted to write is to tell you that I'm really honored to have your friendships. I know often we go our own ways and do our own thing in this individualistic world, but I'm so glad to have you to know, and love, and lean on, and be a leaning post for. It's times like this when I desperately want to gather everyone that I love together, pick a place, I don't even care where that much, and live together. Let's buy a run down old high rise in some city and restore it and all live in it and live well in that city. I would love it if we all had that as our calling. But then again, half of you do live in close proximity and we're not fully taking advantage of it. That's sad! Please help me do a better job of being selfless with my time. That's when I enjoy it the most anyway. Thanks for being amazing brothers and sisters. I love you and will forever be thankful.

Separation, Divorce, and Selfishness

2006-08-07T11:31:00.000-07:00

It seems that many of my friends in the last few years have gotten married, as well as myself. I've heard over the last couple years all of the horrifying statistics around divorce, but until recently hadn't connected with them. So much for that! My heart is almost as broken as the American family. Friends left and right, near and far are falling apart. For various reasons, all stemming directly back to selfishness, people I love are hurting and turning to themselves for comfort. Separation, divorce and selfishness walk hand in hand dividing even the "strongest" unities. Today I read on the Barna website that studies show that born again believers are just as likely to divorce as non-believers. Should that be appalling? I know that many went into marriage unwisely, with false expectations or selfish ambition, but why is there so much failure. I am done assuming it's a generational thing. Divorce has been a common issue forever. If we are truly "born again," we must go back to the source of our rebirth and seek strength and guidance. It is not ok. I know why I married Teresa, and when times are difficult I have to run back to the reason. I without a doubt had peace from my Lord about loving Teresa Hardee more than myself and being her husband. That peace has and will give me strength through the years to desire to grow together and not apart. If you are not yet married know that it is not good for a man to be married unless he has heard from the voice of the Great Shepard. If you are married, you made a covenant, love selflessly, and watch God bless your marriage. To my friends that are struggling, I love you deeply, and it hurts me that you're struggling. I will mourn with you, but not give up.

PureRants.com

2006-08-04T20:41:00.000-07:00

That's not really a website to my knowledge, but it should be. I was just in the shower when a wave of thought hit me. Five words were given to me two years ago to meditate on. Purity, Passion, Commitment, Love, and Selflessness. Just thought I'd publicly post those for anyone interested, or just myself for future reference. The wave began with the remembrance of those five words. I hadn't thought about them in a year probably, but they still have my attention.
I'm daily frustrated with myself. This morning I drove to work giving the day to my Savior and as soon as I stepped into the fire station I took it back. I relinquished it a few times throughout the day briefly, but for the most part I focused on me. Idolatry is such a stronghold that I forget that it's holding me. If I could simply obey the first two commandments my life would be radically different. It's so difficult to believe that the Creator God loves me and forgives my perpetual sin. I don't feel worthy, rightfully so, to be liked by the Almighty Judge. I'm so sick of sugar coating the truth, and essentially robbing my Lord of his deserved worship for His mercy and grace. He is the loving, perfect, worthy, righteous, jealous, just, judge. He isn't ignorant, he is a consuming fire, he is the *creator of evil, and he is the holy peace maker. If we could "simply" love and obey Christ above all, what would our lives look like. I recently learned a powerful lesson, only to lose sight of it almost immediately. The Shepard spoke to His sheep, and the Holy Spirit gave me ears to hear. You must read John 14, again and again. Christ because of my love and obedience made Himself manifest to me. It was in a simple small way, but it was overwhelmingly powerful. I will praise God for that forever, all the while desiring more. Not for my glory, but His. We must know our Lord to give Him the proper praise, in spirit and truth, and honor that He alone deserves. Stop boating in your name. I have to focus on Gods will and not my own. Live in abundance and satisfaction, not fear and hopelessness. Don't take mans word as Gods. Seek truth, wisdom, and that scary thing that's so necessary, called faith. Trust God, He is faithful, He is good, He is Perfect. Don't be fooled, death is inevitable, and soon for sure. But life is everlasting. I can't wait to be made whole. Five words for now: Purity, Passion, Commitment, Love, and Selflessness.

*KJV
Isaiah 45:5-10
5 I am the LORD, and there is none else, there is no God beside me: I girded thee, though thou hast not known me: 6 That they may know from the rising of the sun, and from the west, that there is none beside me. I am the LORD, and there is none else. 7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.

Some Powerful Truths

2006-07-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

Some Powerful Truths

Christ’s came not only in word but in power. His word flows out of His power, rather than like us, our power flows out of His word through us. Read it in Hebrews 1:3.

Paul calls us to judge the brethren internally. Not to take each other to court, but to solve matters by taking blame, or allow ourselves to be cheated, rather than take each other to the worlds judges. 1 Cor. 6

Paul also called us not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner--not even to eat with such a person. 1 Cor 5:11

Marriage is lawful, but not best. It is best to be able to devote everything to your Lord, and not have to worry about a spouse. But it is better to marry than to burn for lust. 1 Cor 7:9

Knowledge puffs up, but love edifies. Any one who comes as if they know something, knows nothing yet. 1 Cor 8:1-2

Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, 10 Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. 1 Cor 6:9-11

It's only July...

2006-07-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

Teresa and I are on the verge of moving into our partially redone, soon to be new home, in Sailboat Bend, which is in the Downtown Fort Lauderdale area. It's Tuesday night, I'm sitting in Brew becoming overwhelmed at how much we've done this year, and it's only July. I feel like I've forgotten more than I've done. In January we made the difficult decision to make City Church our new home. It's been a blessing becoming a permanent part of a local body. We went to Italy later that month, then it all gets fuzzy from there. In Italy I really began a difficult time of doubt and disbelief in truth. Time as well as peace were misplaced for a bit. I won't even try to list all the following in chronological order, so here it is as raw and random as it comes... I got off Rescue, Praise God! We had a one year anniversary while Raff and Angie walked the grassy aisle. That was amazing. Kevin asked Julia to marry him on dad's sailboat hours before fireworks. I found out that I'd be an uncle in nine months or so. We bought our second home, The Hemingway at Sailboat Bend. Then proceeded to tear it to the studs and build it back, which I'm still in the process of doing. Teresa surprised Kathy in OK to shower a coming babe. Teresa went to Mexico with "the girls" to sit poolside chillin for a couple. I stole Teresa from work to the Keys for a birthday sailboat/throw-up-a-thon weekend. Which means we both turned 25, not 21. Teresa did work a few days this year between her traveling. Then we went to Kentucky for the annual Freeman family reunion in good ole Paducah. My dad turned 50 as David, Steve, dad, and I feel from an airplane. I bought a totally awesome scooter, yeah that's right! I won a trip for two to the Bahamas by not getting plastered during the second annual South Beach Rum Punch Volleyball Tournament. Sadly, Robert and Bridget and Matt Crump moved far, far away to the deep south. Teresa began a second job again at Brew, Urban Cafe, which is owned by our friends with City Church. Becky, Hayden, Kathy, Jenny-Ann, and Kailee got knocked up. First Baptist of West Hollywood and Church of Hollywood Downtown changed drastically. The Shepard was faithful to speak to His sheep, and Christ was honored and glorified through everything in and out of our obedience. We finally got renters for our Hollywood condo, in God's perfect timing. We've begun and continued countless relationships, and found a few amazing friends and co-disciples. The light went on in Jamie's soul, which was the best birthday gift ever. All that and I've forgotten more than I've remembered I'm sure,oh, and it's only July...

It's Not OK!

2006-05-06T13:00:00.000-07:00

As I read these verses it's interesting
I can't help but hear Dave Matthews sing,
Eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we'll die
And of course he sounds a lot better than I do
But I hear such strain in his voice
A hollow longing filled with fear
And it calls me to sprint back to the little bit of something that I know
That something that gives me hope, it resonates within me, calling me to die daily

Some days I do die, I kill myself quickly, and it's painless, and even more so satisfying
But most days I spend frolicking in facades of obedience
I can easily go weeks completely captivated by myself
Comfort, control, and selfish gain rule every single membrane
And I lie down one night after days of seeking self
Tired, ready for rest, and I realize that it's all been lived in vain

Emptiness fills the room and darkens the absence of light
For a moment I'm brought to my knees and I cry out
Seeking forgiveness and strength for repentance
But I'm worn from walking through desert hotter than my feet were meant to stand
And I fall into a deep sleep only to wake on the other side of the darkness
Awake to repeat another sixteen hours of searching for satisfaction
Because my eyes look past the simplicity of the prize

Maybe it's because I don't truly believe that a man born of a virgin could live a perfect life and die for my freedom
Maybe I can't comprehend that a man could be raised again to conquer death
Or maybe I am a fickle follower, falling down but being lifted up with the suppression of self, the daily recognition that there is more
Cause there's got to be more than all that my lustful heart desires
There's got to be more than all I've been dying to live for

I've sat with friends and slit my wrists to bleed desires that are being manifest in my heart
Only to watch their eyes grow pale and glossy at the thought of losing me
It's so frustrating, I feel like there's a wall built between my heart and my actions
A barrier separating my passions and my brothers and sisters
I"d like to kick the originator of the, it's ok to sow your wild oats mentality, in the chest with metal cleats on!
Because it's not ok, it's not ok to molest purity for the sake of temporary satisfaction
It's not ok, but it's so easy, it's so natural, and it's so hollow
So tomorrow morning I'll wake up and sprint to that little bit of something I know
That apart from some man dying and being raised again
I'm left to spend another day seeking satisfaction from men
And it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok to sacrifice perfection at the alter of temporary satisfaction

Reject The Lie: Part Two

2006-04-21T04:51:00.000-07:00

Reject the lie, because in Adam all die

But in Christ's resurrection we have been made alive

Alive to the extent that adictions aren't binding

Alive to the point that judging our neighbors isn't even an option

Alive to the culturally absurd state thatselflessness is the norm

Alive to a spiritual world that can only perpetuate life

It sounds beautiful, I can almost see it

But then I open my eyes to the reality of my heart

I walk into rooms full of "brothers and sisters" tearing each others favorite toys apart

We sit in conversations that conveniently kill the inconvenient

I watch men pull themselves up by the legs of the throne

To sit in a seat created for the king and He alone

I feel pressure for success driven and determined by the world

We us rulers marked in dollars and cents measuring all the we can unfurl

And we wake up useless to America like John Wayne Bobitt

So comfortable and content that our gag reflex is numb and we can't vomit

Because we've forgotten that the source of the power is the gospel

Not our consistency, our kindness, or how much we tithed to the local chapel

And there's a few that get it, and they live it

While we sit around apathetically saying "well, that's good for them, they're gifted"

And they are, but they're gifted with the same Holy Spirit that we claim

They've been made alive through the death of the only son with a perfect name

So it's not OK to walk through life enjoying the atrophy of apathy

And I will not sleep well at night ignoring all that I know I could, I know I should

Because ignorance is only bliss until the gavel strikes wood

So if you want to show up next week smile at me and tell me everything's just fine

I'll pacify your denial while I pray that our Lord keeps you up at night connecting your heart to your spine

Reject the lie, reject the lie

Reject the lie that God is not good

Reject the lie that the gospel is powerless

Reject the lie that you're not justified

Reject the lie, because in Adam all die

But in Christ's resurrection we have been made alive

Alive to the ability to live for more than ourselves

Alive to the potential to live in power and freedom

Alive to the opportunity to perpetuate life

Alive to perpetuate life

ALIVE!

Reject The Lie

2006-04-12T09:34:00.000-07:00

Reject The Lie

Last August my neighbors boyfriend got hooked on drugs again
In September she peed on a stick to realize that she had been impregnated by him
Two days after Our Lord revealed himself to them
Right now there's no fairy tale story ending, but the reason he only sleeps on the streets some nights
Is because she has faith that the God of creation bled for them so she wants to do what's right
Her due dates coming soon and he's still struggling with the pressures from her womb
But because a man died and was prophesied to be resurrected
Every aspect of life has been divinely affected

Now when I talk to him I see different looks in his eyes
On good days I see hopes glaze, on bad the haze of buying lies
Like two women approaching an open tomb
He too will be excited and confused with the vacancy of a womb
For nine months he's known what's coming
But there's no preparation for holding a child of grace so stunning
And all of humanity similarly should have known what was coming through prophecy
But we couldn't understand and now every aspect of life has been affected by one man

It's hard to wrap my mind around it but apparently that was Gods plan
To shatter the ridiculous with the miraculous
To give hope to the hopeless through the mysterious
To give redemption and reconciliation to all men through the sinless
So lay down the idol of the Christ you've resurrected
And go to the source to be permanently affected
With life everlasting, rejecting the lie, because in Adam all die
But in Christ's death we have been made alive
Reject the lie, because in Adam all die
But in Christ we have all thing's for Godliness and life
Reject the lie, because in Adam all die
But in Christ's death we have been made alive

Ransomed Children

2006-03-21T07:39:00.000-08:00

Ransomed children return to the king
With assurance that you have once and for all been redeemed
Paid for at a price to great for minds to realize
Ownership transferred from death to life
Fear created purposefully
So that from all that enslaves we may be free
All praise, honor, and glory to the risen king
Who once and for all has called the remnant to be the redeemed

Let's Go Pick a City

2006-01-08T06:39:00.000-08:00

Let’s all go pick a city
Let’s learn to live together
I believe in this life
There’s only a few thing’s worth chasing after
I believe we’ve got one
A friendship that reflects the son

(Chorus)
Let’s all go pick a city
Let’s learn to live together
They’ll all say we’re crazy
It’s OK I’m sure there all crazy

What if rather than jobs
Love determined where we live
How bout rather than money
Relationships impressed our kids

Let’s not live in a lie
Stop pretending we know when we’ll die
Let’s really live for today
See what it means to be free

What's the Biblical Bottom Line Goal of the "Local Church?"

2006-01-05T16:13:00.000-08:00

This is a question that's been floating around in my head for the last week, but I can't seem to get any concrete answers formed in my gray matter, so I'm going to attempt to write, hoping that my fingers will become a poop shoot of liquid stuff, that can be quickly hardened as it settles. What is the Biblical bottom Line goal of the "Local Church?" The word church is heard and understood differently by different people, so let me clarify the two main ways I'll use this word. Church with a capital 'C' will mean the Body of Christ, and "local church" will mean the building, corporate congregation, business, religious tradition, etc. Aspect of the word. My concern and love is for the Church, while my question is for both, because as much as I disdain many aspects of the "local church", I believe that our Father is using it, and there is a sadness that wells up inside me with the potential death, and already visible lack of influence and power of the "local church". I say influence and power in a spiritual matter, not in the matters of the physical or political. I ask this question with the hope of being able to trim the fat off of the "local church/Church" so we can trim down to what really matters, and what we're really to be focusing our most valuable resources on. (Time & Energy)

As I think about the Church two specific verses come to me quickly. The first is The Great Commission, shortened, to be and make disciples of Christ, baptize them in the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, and learn and teach all things that Christ commanded us, and know that He is with us to the end of the age. Secondly, the greatest commandment of all, shortened, to Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. Recently I've had several conversations with friends around callings. Often times the old, I feel called to...., sounds pretty questionable to me. I am having a hard time deciphering what specifically I'm called to, probably because that's largely a man thing. I'm called to be and make disciples, baptize, and obey and teach all that Christ commanded first and foremost. If we all focus on the root of our calling/commission, how different does the body of Christ look? How differently does the local church look? If we truly valued the Word of God above the worth of man, what would be different. If we focused on the crystal clear ministry that we're specifically called to as believers, what would our homes, neighborhoods, and local churches look like. If we would affirm people's obedience to the scriptures over there gifts and talents how different would peoples decision making process be. I pulled up next to a friend today driving a new porshe that I didn't know he owned. I rolled down my window and said to him from my Honda CRV, why are you driving a piece of crap like that, it doesn't even get good gas mileage? His face was bewildered, he wasn't sure how to react. I guarantee he bought that flashy car to get affirmation from people and more so chicks. What would happen spiritually if we affirmed peoples obedience, which often times looks like a Toyota Corrolla next to the Porshe of gifts and talents. Should we be "doing" church differently? If we are truly desiring to follow Christ in the way we live and do life together, how does the Church and the local church take shape? Differently I believe,
but I'm still having a hard time getting anything concrete. What do you think? What is the Biblical Bottom Line goal of the "local church?"

Randomnocity

2005-12-31T12:21:00.000-08:00

I haven't been writing lately. I've felt a dry void in my spirit. I don't usually appreciate it much when someone says their "soul" or "spirit" is affected in a negative or positive way. But my natural has been great, and circumstances couldn't be too much better. But my spirit has been still, quiet, and seemingly asleep for a couple of weeks. I haven't been writing, dreaming, or praying much. I've been asleep. I know that for many this sounds stupid, but an idea for a tattoo has begun to shake me out of this slumber. The tattoo is a simple word with simple meaning, AWAKE. I'm so blessed to be awake.

I Won't Settle

2005-11-14T14:44:00.000-08:00

The smell of Jeremys house in my shirt,
The stench of indifference in my heart,
The fear of the unknown rattling around in my head bone
Moments of life spur me on to live,
Flashes of passionate heat warm my soul for another dousing of winter beyond control
Words and actions so cold, dry like the deserts solitary stone
I hear that "they" say that the mountain top isn’t a place of permanent residence
But who are they, have they ever been to the mountain top
Can manna land on earths peaks,
Can dew from neighboring clouds fill my mouth that I may never thirst again
Am I foolish to resist acceptable bliss
What do I know?
I know that living a life meandering through the maze of mediocrity is not living
Being bed ridden to the mundane is no way of staying sane
Leading an average, safe, comfortable, happy existence only proves a lack of persistence
Towards the dreams that once were,
The passions that burned now grayish heaps of nothing really,
Can I give them a stir
Is it to crazy to take the ideal and real on a crash course called life
Sure it’s a mess,
Twisted metal and pieces of plastic thrown all over the landscape
Souls colliding, seeking, searching, laughing, crying, ,living, dying, then actually living before dying
Oh no it’s not a mess, you’re life is a mess, unless you’re life is a mess, it’s a mess
The 9 to 5 slavery, the material savory , the love fakery, the self idolatry
ohhh, Misery loves company
But I can’t be mottled to your mess
No, no, I won’t settle..........

Randomnocity

2005-11-14T14:12:00.000-08:00

Randomnocity

Slavery is Alive

2005-09-12T10:25:00.000-07:00

In the pursuit of self preservation, comfort, and freedom
We’ve limited our lives to mediocrity and utter boredom

How long can you and I survive in a world designed for people we despise

The ability to affect eternity is quickly slipping away from me

Everyday, every hour self preservation empowers hesitation

It’s all slipping, slipping away from me.

I wonder is there a better place for kids to raise

Will the price of gas soon surpass the middle class

Can interest rates continue to lie straight to our face

Are houses homes or investments that our futures will soon condone

Is war really real, it seems to be something I can’t feel

Corporate coffee and genetically modified potatoes will certainly be the death of me

It’s all slipping, slipping away from me.

One day melts into another and what I have to show for it would disgrace my mother

A series of self-centered decisions have led directly to all my inhibitions

If ignorance is bliss then why does stupidity cause us to clinch fists

Slavery is alive, Yes, slavery is alive, Thank God, slavery is alive

So we can achieve the American dream, or for most of us simply survive

I question the 9 to 5, how is it that you live life

And the 7 to ten, are you still men, who controls your soul, it’s your soul, it’s your soul

It’s all slipping, slipping away from me, it’s all slipping, slipping away from you, It’s all slipping away, slipping away from us

50 Second Masterpiece

2005-09-12T10:17:00.000-07:00

I presume, hearing a lyrical masterpiece is what brings you to this room

So let me fulfill your dreams, satisfy your womb

My words are never hollow, did you hear an echo? Hell no!

My verbs stand solid unlike the dykes of New Orleans

Cause I believe in preparation rather than desolation

Never have the right to blame another cause I was raised by a strong mother

Won’t blame my shortcomings on my daddy

Won’t hide behind the convenient lines of this is not my responsibility

I’ve fallen down and screwed up more times than I can count

But I wont walk into the local newsroom and blow my brains out

To anyone who has sympathy for me I say stop it

I’m a grown ass man, I’m not just talking shit

If you can name a hundred men ruining America

I can pick a thousand characteristics that we should be ashamed of

For now I’ll pick one to be kind to your week mind

The belief that we actually care about man kind

Poem: Misunderstanding, Fear, Hysteria, Phobia, Paranoia is what they're Branding

2005-09-12T10:12:00.000-07:00

The Pretentious News Reporter says....

Thank you for tuning in to Channel Seven your first local station bringing you non stop coverage of Tropical Depression Supresdem, we'll be tracking this storm for you live for the next six days until it potentially ravages our home land.

The poet elaborates...

The media reported a state of hysteria
Psychology's guaranteed job security
Pharmaceutical companies getting rich off the locals
White people shopping, black people looting,
Come on Kanye are you kidding
Forget the bariers the news disease has all races as carriers
Phobic is average, severe is manic
Popping pills as common as shopping in Beverly Hills

Tropical storms putting fear in little ones
Cones of destruction causing panic over construction
The wind blown reporter affirms disaster
Weeks of photography ingrained in my memory
And finally interviews with the victimized family
And finally millionaires act like they care,
Sing a song on the TV, ask you and I to give money
Once again our country has overcome the enemy
Hooray, hooray, oh, oh, I ran out of my pills yesterday

The media reported a state of hysteria
Psychology's guaranteed job security
Pharmaceutical companies getting rich off the locals
And all the while the powerful are successful
Our economy survives cause we fear our whole lives

The Pretentious News Reporter closes...

Again we want to thank you for tuning in for the last 20 days or 480 hours of exclusive non stop coverage of the tropical depression formerly known as Supresdem, have a safe evening, and be sure to tune in tomorrow as we resume our regular coverage of rising gas prices, bursting real estate bubbles, and the war on oil. Good night and safe dreams

Welcome Home

2005-09-06T08:39:00.000-07:00

No one knows what dreams are for
if we did we've thrown them to the floor
pains creep up from my bones
people crying out inside their homes
injustice everywhere
rages of utter despair
hope is lost, peace impossible
corruption crowned inevitable

This is my home, this is my neighborhood
why do I feel so alone so misunderstood
does it even matter that these streets raised me
that I have a good job and I want babies
had to sell my favorite truck
cause gasoline companies don't give a fuck
my own city is out pricing me
can't afford the taxes can't afford the property
sell right now take your equity
move to some pitiful part of the country
where atleast you can buy a nice home
in a safe neighborhood with a good school zone
run, run as fast as you can
you'll find peace some where in this great land.

No one knows what dream are for
if we did we've thrown them to the floor
truth is I'm more comfortable
being my self accepting the normal
While this charismatic passionate
side of me desires to scream out loudly
I cower in a cornesolace solice in the routine
become numb to everything even the obscene

Pains creep up from my bones
people crying out inside their homes
all the Christians want to say
look at the disaster it's the end of the day
disregarding blatant truth
no one knows the hour especially not you
injustice everywhere
rages odespair dispair
hope is lost, peace impossible

Flow of Thoughts through E-mail...

2005-09-06T08:35:00.000-07:00

Thank you for grappling April, it means so much just to know that I'm not the only crazy Christian that's slightly confused. I love the play on words with service. While Sunday morning Service is socially and scripturally a good thing so often I desire to abandon it, and only allow people and myself to see true service to our Lord. Hope is hope and finding the happy medium between blind idealism and bitter reality is necessary to a joyous life. (I'm trying to convince myself of this as I write it) Last night I laid in bed asking God to take me out of this world if it please Him or to allow me to wake up in the morning with a passion to serve him, in a completely unadulterated way, purely, like never before. I woke up. Which was slightly disappointing but a nice surprise at the same time, and I felt the same as always, no bright light blinding my eyes from everything but idealism, and not enough deep pain in my soul towards the bitter reality that we're faced with. I woke up, to another day, meandering through the amazingly modest maze of mediocrity. I don't know April, I just don't know. I feel so natural although I claim to be made new, born again into the supernatural. Apart from working myself up in some emotional worship service or hearing some great news of salvation I feel no real power, passion, or spirit. I feel in many ways like the natural man sitting next to me in the recliner at work, I look like him, I feel like him, and I have the same abilities as him. But I'm a man of God, and chosen son of the living Creator, a king and priest among men, a sinner serving Christ, a soul washed clean by the blood of the Savior. All that means nothing to the guy sitting next to me, other than, I was brain washed as a kid, I was to week to stand on my own, and I desire to believe in mystical answers for all that I can't explain. I need the word to come alive, to speak to me as only it can, to renew my week mind, to be transformed. I look forward to continuing to challenge each other and journey closely. Talk to you soon,
Hope that you're transformed today, pray that I am,
Teddy

Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

The Model???

2005-08-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

Just Another White Kid

2005-08-01T11:14:00.000-07:00

Just another white kid trying to make it big
Tryin to live the lazy life of the rap gig
If that’s what you hear then obviously
You’re not listening to me
I’m not here to flirt with you, I’m married
I don’t speak to entertain you, let comforts be buried
My voice goes deeper than the money and hoes
That they feature in their vidoes
Deeper than the fears in my own heart that loom,
Deeper than your fathers tomb

All that I hate keeps me up late
Do what I don’t want to
Don’t do what I want to
Catch myself living in a state of schizophrenia
Wake up to another day of acceptable apathy in America
So why does this middle class lyricist insist to be heard
Cause this life’s so much deeper than the natural mans word

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up,
Praying that my voice connects directly to your soul
Truth that you can’t shake, can’t let go
Realizations that discomfort your being as a whole
Failures realized, highlighted and hated
Reconciliation in mind, my lyrics designed
To abduct your whole kind take you to the vine
Obtain satisfaction that we all seek to find

No I’m not a thug, no I didn’t grow up in the ghetto
No I wont promote the struggle, and no I wont try to do this solo
I’m looking down the barrel from a different angle
To anyone who says we should make them infertile
I say your brain is barren, listen to what your saying
Your fathers father made this, and now you want to rape it
Our democracy’s got two extremes, neither of which are good enough for me
Don’t you think in this great country we should be able to find at least one pure electee
Well you know, that’s just what happens when you become rich and powerful
No, no, no , no, no...
That’s just what happens when you seek first the desires of your flesh
That’s just what happens when you live only for your own selfishness
I didn’t go to Harvard or MIT,
But I can tell you this, I don’t like the direction of this so called great country

So who am I, I’m not just some white kid,
I, Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up,
Praying that my voice connects directly to your soul
Truth that you can’t shake, can’t let go
Realizations that discomfort your being as a whole
Failures realized, highlighted and hated
Reconciliation in mind, my lyrics designed
To abduct your whole kind take you to the vine
Obtain satisfaction that we all seek to find

Home??? When, Why, Where, How?

2005-07-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

Ohhhhh Kenny, and anyone else who stumbles upon this response, what a stressful and binding issue. One that I'm wrestling through right now. I'm fortunate to be sitting on the prettier side of this ugly ravine that we've (we being our nation, people, and forefathers) built for ourselves, but it seems that no matter what direction we turn slavery still reigns. If we cash out and rent we're throwing X amount of dollars into someone else'ss bank account monthly so they can forget for another month that they themselves are slaves to an even larger master. If we chose to buy a house that we can afford comfortably, we submit ourselves to living in a certain neighborhood, for instance I can no longer afford to buy a house that will fit my future family in my neighborhood, so I'm pushed by elevated prices and increased property taxes to the suburbs, becoming a slave to price location. And if we make the tempting decision to stretch ourselves thin to get in to the seeming "dream" house, we will probably find ourselves writing your friend David for freedom advice. It's so frustrating. I will not let a home enslave me. I will not let things cause my children to grow up with parents on the weekends only. I will not let material items that I buy own me. I will not be forced to ask my wife to work so we can have new cars, cable TV, high speed internet access, and a home that is to big to clean on the weekends, our only time off to actually enjoy life. I will not work for a living and I will not live to work, I will live. I will not become a long term dependent to any earthly income.

But how? How can we live like this apart form escaping, running away?Let's just say I live in an expensive, materially driven city. Let's say that this city is where I feel my family is called to live, it's home. Let's say I've got a hundred thousand dollars in equity in my current home, but it will soon be to small for a family to live in, and the school system in the neighborhood is pitiful. Houses in the neighborhood are out of my price range on the fixed income that I make, and I'm not willing to get into a situation where my wife is forced to sustain a full time job as the kids come. I desire freedom form debt and freedom from enslavement. What is my next move? I don't know right now. I just don't know. To be honest it forces me to question my calling, my lifestyle, my every decision. I don't know. But I have faith that my Fathers Spirit will guide me through this ugly ravine, and deliver us to the river of Psalm 36:8.

Teddy

The Body???

2005-07-06T17:40:00.000-07:00

As I finish reading Revelation for the night, and now listen to "You are beatiful my sweet sweet song," I'm in a sweet place, a comfortable, peaceful place. Enjoying our Fathers presence, realizing once again that He has allowed His Son to send the Spirit to enlighten me to truth and life. I'm often frustrated at the struggles we all know, the inner battles between flesh and this new man that I am, I easily become upset with brothers for, like myself, rationalizing sin until apathy and eventually death sets in. But right now I am going to bask in the purity of the proximity. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Slam Poem-Born on the Fourth

2005-06-18T05:10:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched Born on the forth of July and I cried on the inside
Cause I was with all the guys, so we made jokes and tried to buy the lie, buy the lie, buy the lie
But The truth is yesterdays pain isn’t gone today
And as I drove home I passed the park on the beach were all the homeless sleep
Most them broken boys that our government used as soldier toys
Now drinking dollar beers to numb their fears and remain only slightly insane
They went away America’s champions and they came home to be spit upon
An unwanted, misunderstood, abandoned people a visual reminder of our failure
And I can’t help but wonder what’s different today than thirty years ago
Sending boys to a different desert, for reasons most of us don’t know
Fighting battles that we can’t understand cause we’re so comfortable here in our great land

A yellow ribbon doesn’t dismiss the fact that we’re invading a land out of selfishness
And a yellow ribbon on your car doesn’t make up for the boys who will come back scared
And a yellow ribbon on your house won’t help all the innocent Iragi’s that we’ve murdered out

What are we doing, what are we doing, what are we doing
Don’t rinse the blood off your hands, there’s plenty more flowing down from the leaders of this great land
Who are we to think that democracy is something that everyone needs
Don’t buy the lie, don’t buy the lie, don’t buy the lie

Ahhhh, Unnecessary Frustrations!

2005-06-17T11:24:00.000-07:00

If 85% of statistics are made up on the spot, make it 86%. 99% of frustrations are unnecessary. Stop. Slow down. Start all over. Remember where you come from, remember where you're going. Now remember where you want to go. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... peace, clarity, the cessation of unnecessary frustration. That's beautiful. Deep Breath, mmmmmmmmmmm.

I've been so frustrated, clouded, confused. Why? Over what? All over extended pondering over an issue that I started out to avoid. The organization, the controlling force that calls themselves leadership, the finalizers that draw boundaries and rule parameters. Those that I love, but don't envy. Those that are seemingly so necessary, yet potentially so destructive. Those... The issue is that those... control the future of the Body at large., those... shape and finalize decisions, often with out any needed consulting of the body. Those... are the accepted authority. What are your God given gifts, talents, passions, dreams? If it is to be one of those... great, I pray the you are one of those... truly seeking Christ, lead by the Holy Spirit. It you are like me, not called to be one of those... don't get wrapped up in it. Just because you have leadership qualities doesn't mean you're meant to be one of those. Just because you are smart, and you know the Word, doesn't mean you are meant to be one of those. What are YOUR God given gifts, talents, passions, dreams?

Mine are talking, teaching, living life with others, being practical, realistic, writing.

The Necessity for Agape

2005-04-11T09:17:00.000-07:00

I love words so naturally I'm drivin to think somewhat semantically
There's one word specifically that's been limited in our English dictionary

About two thousand years ago, just before you and I entered the main show
People were living life and having fun, you know the old saying, there's nothing new under the sun

It's true, just ask any Orthadox Jew
They were loving, laughing, crying, marrying, dying, journeying,
working, eating, breathing, sleeping just like they're still doing

But have we ever been forced to create a word for the truth of such an amazing verb
They were and they did, but it's been forgotten over time and hid

See in our overly simplistic society
We've even limited our languages ability for piety

Let me set the scene it's about 33 AD
There's a risen saviour and His disciples sitting by the sea

Fortunately there is a fire and plenty of fish to eat
As Peters lesson teaches us semantic necessity

The Risen one asks Peter, Jonahs son
Do you Agape me more than these

Peters answer stands, Yes Lord, you know that I Phileo you more than these
Feed my lambs!

The Saviour says repeatedly, Peter do you Agape me
Peters answer, not quite as steep, Yes Lord you know that I Phileo you,
Tend my Sheep!

The third time He asks understandingly, Peter do you Phileo me
Looking at his Saviours feet, Peter is forced to repeat
You know all things, you know that I Phileo you
Tend my Sheep! Tend my Sheep, Peter! Tend my Sheep!

Peter was just a man, scared, hurt, tired, and broken
Then Jesus came and held his hand, helped him stand

But it's not until Pentecost, when there lives are truley lost,
That they could ever understand exactly what Agape cost

It's All Slipping Away From Us

2005-04-11T08:50:00.000-07:00

In the pursuit of self preservation, comfort, and freedom
We have limited our lives to mediocrity and utter boredom

How long can you and I survive in a world designed for people we despise
The ability to effect eternity is quickly slipping away form me

Every day, every hour, self preservation empowers hesitation
It's slipping, it's all slipping away from me.

I wonder is there a better place for kids to raise
Will the price of gas soon surpass the middle class

Can interest rates continue to lie straight to our face
Are houses homes or investments that our futures will soon condone

Is war really real, it seems to be something that I can't feel
We're all so numb, until I sat down I couldn't feel your thumb

corporate coffee and genetically modified potatoes will certainly be the death of me
The death of me, it's all slipping, slipping away from me

One day melts into another and what I have to show for it would disgrace my mother
A series of self centered decisions have ushered me directly to all my inhibitions

If ignorance is bliss, then why does stupidity cause us to clinch fists

Slavery is alive, yes slavery is alive, Thank God slavery is alive
So we can achieve the American dream, or for most of us, simply survive

I question the 9 to 5, how is it that you live life
And the 7 to 10, are you still men

Who's in control of your soul, it's your soul, it's your soul,
It's slipping, it's all slipping away from me, it's slipping, it's all slipping away from us.

What do you think about the Popes death???

2005-04-02T19:46:00.000-08:00

It's interesting... the expectations from "non-practicing" Catholics for me to have specific thoughts about the Popes death, and I don't really have any. It highlights my ignorance towards the work and ministry of the Pope. Hopefully I'll develope some knowledge and insight out of this. I'm realizing more and more, "it matters."

Unsuccessful Self-Centered marriages... but why???

2005-03-24T17:39:00.000-08:00

While listening to the two guys I'm riding the Rescue with today sarcastically strip down there failed marriages into depressing cliches, I had an interesting epiphany....We, both parties, enter a marriage with self centered expectations and desires, then five, ten, twenty years go by, and we're both living and formulating our decisions based on similar selfish ambitions, and we're disappointed that our "partners" aren't loving or simply treating us the way we feel they should, so we make yet another selfishly driven decision to divorce so we can regain a self supported, sufficient state of temporary satisfaction again. SAD!

"I'm Spritual"

2005-03-21T21:12:00.000-08:00

I like words, so naturally I enjoy sensitivity towards semantics. Today I heard myself answer the classic, "Are you religous," question with the now seemingly standard answer, "No, but I'm spiritual." Tonight in the shower I couldn't help but question my answer. Sure, semantically it's true, but is it true? Does my life scream at the top of it's trachea, I'm Spritual! I'm in Love with a Spiritual Being also called Love! I'm forever Alive! What am I screaming? We're all saying something, do we atleast agree with that? Ok, good... so what are you saying?

I'm afraid that I'm still saying to those that I don't talk to much, I'm a nice guy that goes to church and is "religious", and I love Teresa, and family, and volleyball, and life, and yeah, uh, that's all good. In other words, blah, blah, blah, blah. And why doesn't my life influence anyone? Hmmmmmmmmmmm. How do I communicate what my heart is screaming at me? Oh, yeah, good idea, Live it. Cool. Ok, how do I do that. Oh this isn't simply theoretical, topical conversation material, no Teddy, this is my life, come on, how do I live? Well! Satisfied! Open Hearted! Passionately! Provoking Love! I don't know!!!!!!!!!

I hope your doing welll with all this, I'm still working on the words, hoping I'll figure out the application aspect along the way. We'll see. I'll let you know....

It's funny how....

2005-02-25T17:57:00.000-08:00

It's funny how so many thing's in life are funny, but so routine that they almost lose there appreciation. It's funny how, because I'm not computer literate enough to figure out how to put a picture on my blogspot, I'll be viewed less by the general bloglic. It's funny how many different ways you can play with the root word blog. It's blogtastic, or blogriffic. It's funny how inconsistent I've been on this spot because I don't own a computer with internet access. It's even funnier that I have to write these at work where I could get a call at anytime and have to leave. Ha Ha Ha, I just got a call. I'll blog you up soon...

Teddy

Slam Poem- A Mourning Mother

2005-02-04T20:15:00.000-08:00

Randomnocity

I see an idividualistic, slightly sadistic, people who are overly ritualistic.

A need seen is an assignment given, has been lost in, or forgotten, in a self centered world view that our parents have given.

And I hate that it takes all that we hate simply to motivate.

But my passion perpetuates the fact that we procrastinate until we are irate.

So sit down, shut up, and let me elaborate.

We've, Americans, raped a land, but not our own, so we can bath in materialistic overabundance that our TV's condone.

And it's that same media that broadcasts sorrow, that then quickly says, "up next sports and weather,"
so it can all be forgotten tomorrow.

As a nature that we call mother cries and dies, we under pay an oppressed people to ensure our unnecessary supplies arrive.

We've got hundreds of movies on demand, while the chemicals it took to make your jeans seep into the Thai land.

Our children safely fight over a truck called Tonka, while the people choke on the smoke from the plants in Sri Lanka.

And the moans and groans grow so loud, I can almost hear them now, as the ground in Africa and India feel the direct stress of our selfishness.

Then, when, the mother demonstrates her hate for our disdain, we're willing to send 35 million to say we're sorry and we feel your pain.

Is Anyone In Here?

2005-02-04T19:57:00.000-08:00

Randomnocity

There's an eire echo in this place... Maybe I shouldn't have watched The Grudge the other night, hmmmmmmmmm, no, I definitely shouldn't have watched that crappy movie, but what's that hollow sound. Is this blogging? Am I on the blogdar? Hello, Hello, Hello!

I'm just playing around, but really, the blogcept seems to boast infinite potential, but from a not so wired, slightly skeptic view point I wonder, will this really allow us to connect? Will we be able to serve each other through being a spot on the blog? Can community sustain in the blog? I guess we'll find out. I'm sure there is enough breathing room, question is, will we breathe? Hope so. Come, breathe with me.

You're doing what... Blogging?

2005-02-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

I must admit, I'm asking myself the same question with that same curiously cute tone of voice. It reminds me of when I told my father that I was going to propose to Teresa during a poetry slam. He didn't quizzically question my proposal, but the fact that I was in a poetry slam. You're doing what? Poetry? Blogging? What kind of son did I raise.

Once upon a time I sent mass e-mails at extreme random, I called them randomnocity. Hopefully they encouraged, provoked, and enlightened, my guess is that they were probably for my benefit alone, none the less they were written and sent. Blogging just may be the necessary needle to the vein resurrection for randomnocity.