Hello! I'm tired...

It's been 5.5 years since I've looked at this blog....I forgot that I had even created it. One of the main reasons I wanted to blog is because of my poor memory....hahaha.......
This is what I wrote on my iPads notes app tonight that sparked my memory of this whole blog thing. There were no iPads to my knowledge last time I blogged...

I stopped writing because I felt that all of my thoughts had been thought, and who would want to read my lame version of a repeat. As it turns out, I was right. Yet, knowing this, I begin to write.
I don't think that I'm so clever that I'll benefit anyone, or that my wisdom is just what someone needs. Actually, I'm so lost, that I'm writing, hoping that I can illuminate some sort of clarity for myself. So there, I'm admitting to my deeply imbedded selfishness straight away. If compassion and honesty are the pillars of morality, well, at least I'm willing to be honest about me. It's a start!
To be openly honest about oneself is much more than I perceive most are willing to be. I'm not convinced that it's a better or more profitable approach, but it seems to come naturally to me. I would say that one of my greatest strengths can easily be viewed as a great weakness. I am open to listening and learning, both are key, to most everyone. The trouble is that I have a hard time believing and buying, both are key, much of what people are selling.
Man isn't basically good or bad, all the time. Deciphering when they are being which seems to be the difficult aspect. At this point, I know this, I'm tired. I'm tired of hearing peoples lame thoughtless reasoning. I'm tired of asking, praying for, and seeking answers only to find more doubt. I'm tired of being someone that is thought to have answers, cause I don't. I'm tired of living for others, as well as for myself. I'm tired of work and play. I'm just plain tired.
I'm not depressed, I don't think, just unimpressed. Life is confusing without presumed answers. It is not easy to start afresh as a molded adult human. To forget is not easy. It would be great to have sudden amnesia if the restart worked out well, but I think it would probably just restart the tainting.
All right, enough rambling, go to bed. After all, I am tired.

Life Together...

I have an overflowing desire to live life with people that love Jesus and love righteousness. I want to design life in such a way that we can actually live together. Not necessarily under the same roof, or on the same plot of land, but live in tight enough proximity to actually function together. I can see it vaguely, there is no specific shape, just brilliant colors of life swirling healthily together.

Open Letter to Myself...

Repent of lust, repent of the idols you've resurrected; fun, happiness, comfort, acceptance. Repent and be free, repent and be healthy, repent and be forgiven.
Do not allow yourself to lose sight of the goal, there is a war that we must acknowledge and fight, there is an enemy which you must love and call to repentance in humility.
Wake up, listen, stop leaning on your own understanding, search the Word of the Lord, pray, fast, love, be bold, encourage, build up, usher conviction, trust in the Lord, ask for faith and wisdom...

Tonights Prayer

Lord God I want to know you. I believe that you have created and sustained all things. I believe that your Son is the perfect sacrificial savior that you have chosen for us. I believe that you are a good, loving, righteous, just, jealous, merciful, gracious father. I do not fully understand, but believe in the Holy Trinity. I believe that you sent your Holy Spirit to abide in us, to live with us, as our counselor, guide, teacher, and comforter. I believe in you. I fear you. I desire to have wisdom, faith, and ultimate freedom.
My sin is great. I ask for forgiveness and I repent from the sins that I have known and continue to give birth to. Give me strength to be obedient and to love you more than my flesh. Reveal yourself to me. Give me a passion for righteousness. Live with me, in me, speak to me, burden me for your Kingdom. Make clear the paths that best honor you for me and my family. Allow your Holy Spirit to truly be my counselor, guide, teacher, and comforter. I love you. Thank you for your kept promises and those to come. Find favor in you fickle, fallen servants. Teach us how to live as redeemed children of the one true God.

Please Squeeze my Hand

It's been awhile since I've been excited about friendships. That sentence doesn't read as serious as it felt to type, but it's huge.
My love in life is friendship. So much so that I seriously considered moving from beautiful Fort Lauderdale to soggy, freezing Des Moines. Crazy! But I love Jeremy.
I love friendships that walk hand in hand long enough to allow the other to squeeze as hard as necessary for love to prevail. True friendship is vulnerable enough to invite the intimacy we all long for.
I've had some amazing friends. Thank you Lord! Many of them are scattered across America. Living in South Florida in a globally minded world has molested my love of friendship. Rootless life has crushed me monthly. Lying in the absence of so many oaks offers no horizon. But God is good, and God is faithful, and the sun rises once again.
I remember thinking in middle school that I wouldn't end up having so few friends as my father. Before Hurricane Andrew he had more friends than I could keep up with. Six months later they we're scattered along the east coast of Florida. My parents did what was best for us kids. My dad's closest friend, on the map, was a half an hour away. They get together annually.
I realize that life is fluid, and that the flow often takes us where we hadn't anticipated, but we are stronger than the stream by design. I wrote this simple song back in January of 06 called Let's Go Pick a City. You can archive it on this blog if you'd like. The only comment I got was an advert for penny stocks, but I liked it.
I constantly struggle with balancing insatiable longings for perfection and reality. Therefore I'm often frustrated and disappointed. But Teresa is helping me through this, her friendship is the most valuable aspect of our marriage for me.
I want to live well. I want to live with purpose. I want to affect positive transformation. I want to live in the same neighborhood as the people I love and share life. And I want hope to be more contagious than depression, reality, or hate. Please squeeze my hand!

My Wife....

is amazing. I woke up and felt like posting that on the private, public cork board of the world. Thank you Teresa for loving me so selflessly, encouraging me constantly, and taking care of me so completely. I'm in love with you!

An Absolute Must Watch!!!

http://www.storyofstuff.com